Letter From Spouse Dealing w/ The Addict

If I may, I would like to share an excerpt from a letter received from one of the spouses of an addict (taken from our book, The Language of Recovery):

“Thank you for the opportunity of reading your book, The Language of Recovery. I thoroughly enjoyed it and know it will be a powerful tool in helping many either begin or continue their journey of recovery. ...I wanted to express some of my feelings.

After finishing the book, I had two feelings: this would be perfect for addicts, but the second was that from the point of view of the “loved-one of the addict” I can see a spouse or parent finishing the book and then asking “But what about me? How am I going to recover?” Support and validation are very powerful. ...

...I have spent a great deal of time thinking of my ‘process of recovery,’ for what it’s worth I wanted to share with you my thoughts. (This exercise is probably more for me than anything else.) I believe that I had to use and understand the ‘five keys’ that you outlined in your book in a dual manner. I needed to learn and understand all that you detailed in your book for the addict so I could understand and help in all that my husband was going through, but then I had to apply it to myself as well. Here is a very brief description of my ‘own’ journey of recovery.

First, I had to learn acceptance. I had to accept the fact that I was married to an addict. (Not easy.) Then I had to surrender. I had to surrender to the fact that he could not do this on his own, AND that this was NOT his fault.

The addiction was not my husband. I also had to surrender to the fact that WE could not do it alone either. We needed both divine help and professional help.

Next, I had to gain a new kind of awareness. Just as my husband had to learn to recognize the addictive voice, I had to be able to recognize the tempters voice, and my Super Ego. Satan knew that my husband’s addiction had ‘weakened my armor’ and knew exactly where to shoot his ‘fiery darts.’ Through the grace of God, I never struggled with anger towards my husband, and I was blessed with an amazing gift of understanding. Since Satan couldn’t get me there, he used a ‘back door approach’ and riddled me with an amazing amount of negative ‘critical’ thoughts meant to undermine my own choices and our marriage. I had to be aware that this was what was happening and then I had to use mindfulness strategies to combat these negative thoughts that came from both Satan and my own ‘critical judge’ that kept reminding me of how my life was not as ‘perfect’ as I had planned.

Lastly, all of this could not have been accomplished without the underlying foundation of faith. As with all things, it was faith that got me through and continues to sustain. Through turning to our Father in prayer and through the scriptures I gained great strength and insight. Out of all of the wonderful scriptures that have helped me, there is one particular chapter that has been my keystone…my ‘title of liberty:’ - 1 Corinthians 13

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

– Sincerely, (Name Withheld)

The five keys she mentions are: Acceptance, Surrender, Awareness, Mindfulness & Awareness, Faith and Works.

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