Once and Addict Always an Addict
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Many loved ones frequently ask the question, should I get married to someone who is addicted to porn. This article is to provide some incite from actual questions from a fiancé
Will I ever feel free and trusting?
Once an addict, always an addict but you both can learn and grow from the addiction. This is something you will have to face the facts and realize he/she is an addict, so you have to answer your own question and that is, do you want to face that fact and the possible continued deception?
Many addicts struggle with using their spouse, loved one or significant other as an accountability partner because the fear of failure and let down incase of a slip. It is important to recognize the value in keeping a loving open and understanding relationship. You don't condone poor behavior but you learn from it and learn what to do moving forward.
What signs did you look for or what signs did you display for anyone who responds that is an addict?
Here is an article that was written to help individuals ascertain if they are a sex addict. If you are wondering this same question, you may want to read it to gain some more understanding.
How do I talk about it with him in a manner that is respectful to both of us. And separating from my anxiety in order to talk. We both agree that we will seek counseling together and separate.
Every situation is different but we recommend using love and profound listening. Don't be judgmental. Ask questions and just listen. If they are willing to talk, it will start gradually and then a flood will emerge. If they are really seeking to manage this addiction, there may be emotion.
Just sit and listen.
If they are not talking or answering the questions, share your feelings but not in a condemning way.
For example:
Hunny, sugar plum, (whatever pet name you have) I know this is something you say is very difficult and I am trying to understand as much as possible and in the process I have gained a lot of understanding but I have found that I get frustrated, hurt and feeling left out... continue to share your feelings.
There is healing that occurs with true, open communication and it helps a relationship grow closer and stronger.
Where is the line between being transparent and always being an investigator? Does that last a lifetime? Do you feel from experience, that if he is continually transparent and goes to meetings, that this can work?
We have had some individuals in therapy for 3 years with no progress because they were not really seeking help. They were only coming because their spouse wanted them to seek help. The addict really did not care and really did not try, until recently. Once this individual started to put effort into their recovery, they realized they were being very selfish and mean. They, the addict, realized that they had done a lot of damage to their spouse and children and is now in the process of making amends. The addict should be commended on the steps that were taken but the spouse is the one that really needs to have the blessings poured upon. The spouse went through hell and back with verbal and emotional abuse. Once the addict finally started to get a handle on their addiction, their spouse made the comment, "My spouse is back. I did not think it was possible but they are back." They are now doing very well and are helping each other.
The key was that the addict finally wanted the help. Are you willing to go through a scenario like this or worse?
What was the point in which you had the knowledge of your spouses addiction and for the gentleman, when did your wife become aware? How did that play out? It sounds as though some of you have given up on marriages working with this addiction.
When true recovery begins, the addict dumps. They realize they need to get a lot off their chest and recognize the need to be 100% honest with their spouse. This is very difficult because a lot of addicts see this as a possible make or break situation. Meaning they will stay with me or leave but I have to let them know.
For many spouses, when they learn the full details of the addiction there are several responses like anger, deceit, hatred, frustration, distrust, feeling dirty, feeling scared, worried about STD's, lowered self esteem and many other feelings, to many to list.
You never know how someone else is being treated so it is difficult to possibly understand an entire situation like what one poster is expressing. Her situation may have been one of the worst case scenarios but you need to take into account you could be a worst case scenario.
He is a man who was very much into porn as a teenager and it trickled into his first marriage-that ended, he acted out in many different ways til he did finally hit bottom.
Every addict has a cycle which varies. Cycles can be every day, week, month or year but there is a cycle. Recognize the signs before the cycle to help the addict.
My spouse has crawled from a very low place and I feel is going to do whats right for our relationship.
What are they doing, that is right? Are they going through the motions of SAA and counseling for you or for them self? If the addict does not recognize it as a problem, it will be a problem.
I know I cant always be around to babysit his actions. Does that bother me? To some extent it really bothers me that I have to even think that way. He will be away from me for the next 8 weeks. I pray, I seek advice and guidance from those who know this better than I, and I hold onto God very, very, tightly.
This is the reason why an addict needs to change for them self. You will not always be around and you will not see their every move or know their thoughts but this is where true integrity is manifested. If the addict is doing it just for you, the likely hood of slipping is tenfold.
He will be going to a meeting this weekend. Do I have proof that it will happen?
Ask him about the meeting. What did they discuss? He can talk about it. Ask him what you can do to help him learn to manage this addiction.
Im looking for the best course of action for a relationship that has so much good to it.
What good? What are the elements of this relationship that has so much good to it?
I would recommend creating a pros and cons list and truly evaluating it.
- What is the good about your relationship?
- What is the strengths and weaknesses?
- What values do you share?
- What common goals?
We hope this article will help someone facing this decision to gain a greater understanding and to evaluate their own situation.
